Uudenvuodenaatto - New Year's Eve

Here I sit, watching telly by myself. Not sad, no, just a bit confused. Where did all those busy years go? Suddenly, I have no underage children, no REAL responsibilites and I am free! OMG how that word was tempting me all along when I felt that my days were filled with everything but time for me.

Now, when I have time for me, what do I do with it? And, I was the selfish mother who held a full-time job and saw friends, volunteered and so on. Yet, I feel I am not trained and prepared to do WHATEVER I WANT!

Today is the day for resolutions. What is going to be my main resolution? Do I actually know what I want?

There is a lovely poem by a Finnish poet, Eeva Kilpi. She often writes about women.

Going to sleep, I think:
Tomorrow I will heat up the sauna,
Pamper myself,
Walk, swim, wash,
Invite myself to evening tea,
Speak to myself in a friendly and admiring way, praising:
You brave little woman,
I believe in you.

- Eeva Kilpi - **

Maybe one of my resolutions is to get to know myself, find out who I am and especially WHY I am, maybe I have something to tell that I should listen to?

**
[Nukkumaan käydessä ajattelen:
Huomenna minä lämmitän saunan,
pidän itseäni hyvänä,
kävelytän, uitan, pesen,
kutsun itseni iltateelle,
puhuttelen ystävällisesti ja ihaillen,
kehun: Sinä pieni urhea nainen,
minä luotan sinuun.
- Eeva Kilpi, Laulu rakkaudesta 1976]

Kaksi vuotta sitten - two years today

Tanaan on tasan kaksi vuotta tarkean ihmisen poismenosta.Lapseni menettivat isansa. Nama vuodet ovat menneet vauhdilla ja, johtuen erittain raskaista vuosista ja tapahtumista jotka johtivat kuolemaan, olen seka tehnyt surutyota etta yrittanyt toipua ja palata normaaliin elamaan. "Hiljaa hyva tulee" on sanonta jonka olen vasta nyt ymmartanyt.
Lepaa rauhassa!

***********
Today is two years since I lost a very important person and my children lost their father. These years have gone by so fast. Due to very distressing time before his death and also what caused his death I am slowly recovering from what I can only describe as post-traumatic stress disorder. Only now that I am grieving and also trying to return to so-called normal life, I have grown to appreciate and understand the real meaning of the saying "Easy does it".

R.I.P

Coming of age...

I cannot believe that I have two adult children, me! barely an adult myself. (hmm... officially I am very much an adult, it is just the silly head that will not accept it.)

My middle child, just a baby not very long ago. is going to be 18 this week. I look at him and see a reflection of his father, whom I met when he was far younger than my son is now. I look at him and think to myself, how very young we were, his father and I, and yet how very adults we thought we were. It was love at first sight, I was swept off my feet and fell head over heels....

I cast my mind back to this time 18 years ago, the birth of a big healthy baby boy, the happiness we both felt. Things were still mostly ok, we had a beautiful 3 year old daughter and now a bouncing baby boy. Any niggling concerns were still small enough to be ignored...

I am not sure how I feel.... I'll try to figure it out...