Hyvaa Ystavanpaivaa - Happy Valentine's

Pitka aika on paassyt vierahtamaan viime kirjoittelusta mutta viela olen taalla ja sinnittelen. Helmikuu on paassyt puolivaliin eika taman vuoden lupauksia ole viela alettu lunastelemaan edes. Siis mina en luvannut, uusi vuosi lupasi minulle, ihan mun oma versioni uudenvuodenlupauksista.

Toivossa elan etta jokin muuttuu, jotain perustavaa muutosta on tarvis tapahtua kun jos ei talla tavalla jaksa jatkaa niin muutostahan se tietaa.

Tyopaikka, asunto.... mita sita vois muuttaa, tietty itseaan voisi muuttaa mutta se saa viela odottaa..

Katsotaan mita tuleman pitaa.....

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Been a while since the last post but here I still am - hanging. It is mid-February and this year's resolutions have not materialised yet. I do not mean resolutions I have given but the resolutions the year has given me - the promises of a crisp brand new year. This is my own version of the "New Year resolution game".

I live in hope that something will change, a fundamental change is needed as carrying on as always is not an option. And that means change then...

New job, new house.... what else? Myself but that can wait a wee while longer.

Time will tell, watch this space....

Uudenvuodenaatto - New Year's Eve

Here I sit, watching telly by myself. Not sad, no, just a bit confused. Where did all those busy years go? Suddenly, I have no underage children, no REAL responsibilites and I am free! OMG how that word was tempting me all along when I felt that my days were filled with everything but time for me.

Now, when I have time for me, what do I do with it? And, I was the selfish mother who held a full-time job and saw friends, volunteered and so on. Yet, I feel I am not trained and prepared to do WHATEVER I WANT!

Today is the day for resolutions. What is going to be my main resolution? Do I actually know what I want?

There is a lovely poem by a Finnish poet, Eeva Kilpi. She often writes about women.

Going to sleep, I think:
Tomorrow I will heat up the sauna,
Pamper myself,
Walk, swim, wash,
Invite myself to evening tea,
Speak to myself in a friendly and admiring way, praising:
You brave little woman,
I believe in you.

- Eeva Kilpi - **

Maybe one of my resolutions is to get to know myself, find out who I am and especially WHY I am, maybe I have something to tell that I should listen to?

**
[Nukkumaan käydessä ajattelen:
Huomenna minä lämmitän saunan,
pidän itseäni hyvänä,
kävelytän, uitan, pesen,
kutsun itseni iltateelle,
puhuttelen ystävällisesti ja ihaillen,
kehun: Sinä pieni urhea nainen,
minä luotan sinuun.
- Eeva Kilpi, Laulu rakkaudesta 1976]

Tammikuu on ohi - January is over!

Yritan paivittaa tana vuonna ainakin kerran kuukaudessa, tieda hanta lukeeko naita monikaan mutta on ainakin jonkinlainen "loki" mita selailla vuoden lopulla. Tana vuonna on NE synttarit ja olen ajatellut etta pitaisko sita tehda jotakin vai ei. Tavallaan olis kiva juhlistaa 50-vuotispaivia, toisaalta ne saattais olla ihan kiva unohtaakin. Hmmm.... mietintamyssy on kaytossa!
Minulla on roppakaupalla suunnitelmia taman vuoden varalle - nyt olen jo kayttanyt kuukauden enka tieda riittaako aika kaiken tekemiseen. Edessa on ainakin:

• tyon uudelleenarviointi, mika tarkoittaa sita etta JOTAIN on tapahduttava tana vuonna, uusi tyo, uudet tehtavat vanhassa tyopaikassa, jotakin......
• taloudellinen tilanne PITAA parantua, 8 vuotta kuralla on ihan tarpeeksi kenelle vaan
• kuntoa TULEE kohottaa, viela ei voi jaada kiikkustuoliin ihmettelemaan

Jos oikein reippaaksi ryhdyn niin saatan jopa alkaa viikottain suunnittelemaan ja kirjaamaan aktiviteetteja tassa omassa blogissani.

Kaikki on viela mahdollista, vuosi on vasta alussa!

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I am aiming to update my blog at least once a month this year - whether anyone reads the postings I do not know - at least I will have a "log" of what's been happening to me when this year ends. This is the year for THAT birthday and I have been pondering whether or not I should do something. On the other hand it would be nice to celebrate the big five-o but then also it might be a good thing to forget all about it. Erm.... thinking cap is in use!

I have a bucketful of plans for this year - now already a month has passed, might not have enough time to do everything. The main plans/tasks/aims for this year are at least:

• rethinking of work, which means that SOMETHING has to change, either I get a new job in a new workplace OR new job role in the old workplace, but seriously just something has to change.....
• financial situation HAS TO improve finally, 8 years in red and poverty is enough for anyone
• fitness HAS TO be improved, it is not yet time to stay put and start knitting

If I get really brave, I might start updating my blog weekly by jotting down my activities and plans.

It is all possible, the year is still fresh and crisp and new!!

Tienhaarassa - Crossroads

Paassa pyorii, ei tieda, haluaisi tietaa. Mihin suuntaan tulisi kulkea, paikalleen jaaminen kun ei ole varteenotettava vaihtoehto. Valintoja ja paatoksia tulisi tehda mutta kaikenlaiset rajoitukset (rahalliset ja ei-rahalliset) sekoittavat. Voihan vitsi.

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Head spinning, don't know, would like to know. Where to turn, which road to take. Staying put is not an option. Choices and decisions to be made but all sorts of obstacles and restrictions in the way (financial and non-financial). Oh dear.

Tama vuosi on ERILAINEN - This year WILL be different!

Hei ja hyvaa uutta vuotta! Minulla on suuria odotuksia talle vuodelle, toivon (ja aion myos tehda toita sen eteen) etta asiat muuttuvat parempaan suuntaan. Suunnitelmia on monia, talouden saattaminen vakaalle pohjalle ja ammatinvaihto ovat ensisijalla. Parempi sosiaalinen elama, ystavien tapaaminen ja MINA ovat kanssa tarkeita. Minulla on noin 15 kuukautta aikaa ennenkuin taytan 50 vuotta ja jos elaa saan niin silloin on asioitten oltava hyvin (minun mittapuullani). Tarkoitukseni on tutkistella tassa blogissa mita "hyvin" tarkoittaa minulle ja minun elamassani.

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Hi and Happy New Year! I have great expectations for this year, I wish (and am prepared to work for it) that things will take a turn for better. I have plans in abundance: balanced finances and change of profession are the topmost ones, better social life, meeting friends and ME, MYSELF AND I, are important as well. I have some 15 months before my 50th birthday and if I am live and kicking then, things have to be GOOD. My intention is to explore in my blog what this GOOD means for me and my lifestyle.

Mayday Eve?? Vappuaatto!

This blog seems to get one post a month, time is just flying by. Here in Enland today is not a public holiday, if people are drinking that is purely because it is Friday. We do have an extra holiday - Bank Holiday - on Monday but it is nothing like a Finnish Vappu!

A lot has happened since my last post, we (me and my kids) went to Finland and spent couple of weeks there over Easter. It was lovely to see friends and family I have not seen for a decade. We got to experience the rapid melting of snow, one moment there was mountains of snow, the next it was almost gone. Now I am planning to go again in late July so that my kids can see the Finnish summer (which they have not experienced in 12 years). I can hardly wait!

I feel that my life is getting a bit easier, teenagers are growing up and there are less drastic life or death moments. Maybe one day I can live my private life without anyone bringing sudden changes to it. Sounds boring, but after what I have gone through, even the most boring life will be too full of happenings.

Maybe, just maybe it is finally my turn, I have supported everyone else in their lives, and now, come hell or high water - it is my turn. I am planning a career change, not immediately but maybe within the next 2 -3 years. My current profession has truly run its course and I would like to try my hand on new challenges, put the experience and skills I have gathered over the hard years in positive use. I might even be able to help someone see more clearly when they are weighing up their options in life.

I would like to wish a really good Vappu for everyone!

It has been a year today...

... and it does not feel any more real than this time last year when the news hit me. I fear that I am actually not dealing with the death of a very important person but just managing to pretend that nothing has happened. I spent so many years dreading the moment, so much so that when it happened I could not really feel anything.

I wish that I could still feel as deeply as I was able when I was younger but it appears that I have become more thick-skinned the older I become.

I hope he has found the peace he was not able to find when alive. I remember him and our life together every day, I see him in our children and have set my mind to let the good times take over the bad ones.

I am not quite sure what I think or whether I am able to convey it in any way but still wanted to have this day as a milestone. I might have to start moving on.... whatever that means!

Sad news, sad month?

I just got sad news about a good colleague and friend. She was diagnosed in October with cancer and today she died.

It is 8 days to the first anniversary of my children's father's death and in 11 days it is 10 years since my mother died. I must say that February is starting to feel like a bleak month with all these deaths.

So, maybe, it is a good month for a new blog to be born.

I need to explore things that matter to me, hopefully find likeminded people to talk to or even people who want to disagree but also debate and maybe end up agreeing to disagree.

One of life's big mysteries is death and, for someone who has always had trouble dealing with finalising things or accepting that there is nothing else to be done in some situations, death is the ultimate challenge to handle.